Silent

It’s not that hard to get over it.

At least she tells that to herself, while she just joylessly smiles at her phone. She must have been an idiot to think, that he would like her back and she can’t deny how thankful she is, for being too shy than that she would have told him from face to face.

Again she reads their messages, reads her confession and reads his rejection, again her heart aches a slight bit. It’s not that hard. She doesn’t even know him for that long.

Around a year, but that doesn’t matter, does it?

At least for her it doesn’t. Or she tries to believe that it doesn’t.

Isn’t she pretty enough? Isn’t she thin enough? What is so wrong with her, that he wouldn’t love her back?

Maybe she is not thin enough. Or said something wrong. But why would he talk to her and give her hope? Why would he be that cruel to her, despite her always showing him that she has feelings for him?

She doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t want to understand it, only searches for the mistakes in herself.

It is her first heartbreak and she never even thought about how that would feel, she never would have imagined how much it makes her chest ached to be rejected like that.

But he always told her, that he found her beautiful. So she can’t be too ugly, right?

Or maybe he was lying?
The young girl flinches when hearing her name being called, knowing it is her mother who wants her to come downstairs for dinner.

Slowly she gets up and approaches the mirror on her wall, pulling her shirt up and eyeing her figure.

Ugly. Disgusting. Not good enough. Fat.

I’m not hungry, mom, I’ll sleep”, she yells back. It’s not fully the truth. She actually is hungry and possibly won’t be able to fall asleep anyway, still she doesn’t want to eat, finding that she needs to lose weight.

Silently she lays down and stares at the wall, as predicted she doesn’t fall asleep for a while.

Two years later she is laying in her bed the same way, her blanket kicked away and her phone next to her. She will turn fifteen in a few days, but there’s none of the euphoria she usually feels about her birthday. Maybe it’s because of his texts. Maybe because of his latest Instagram post. Maybe because she still hasn’t gotten over him, even though she kept trying her best.

She has lost weight, her body now is thinner than it should be and still, he doesn’t love her back. Still, he fell in love with another girl. Again …

Throughout the past two years she kept up the contact to him, witnessed how often he fell in love and got his own heart broken and has thought oh so often, how much love she would give him if she could.

Yet she never came to be in the place of all these girls he liked and make him happy, instead she just had to witness it over and over again, until one new girl came.

She thinks about it, thinks about how he happily told her about the girl and that he wanted to confess to her, how one week later he told her that they’re a couple.

Silently she looks at her phone, looks at the picture of the boy and the girl and the caption, in which he expresses his happiness over their relationship. One year. Their relationship has lasted one year already.

And even though she wants to be happy for him, the young girl just can’t help herself about to question just why she isn’t good enough.

She puts her phone away and gets up, walking to her closet to take on a thicker pullover. Ever since she lost so much weight, she started freezing easily and still, she isn’t able to accept herself, not realising she’s slipped into anorexia.

Once again her mother calls her, wanting her to come down to eat.

This time she doesn’t answer with an excuse to not have to come downstairs, she already knows what to say to avoid having to eat a lot.

I’ve eaten at my friend’s”, she tells her parents once she’s sat in the dining room, “So I won’t take so much. Is that okay?”

Her parents nod in understanding, whilst her mother reaches up to gently brush her fingers over her daughter’s cheeks, “Are you okay? It looks like you cried.”

The girl’s first reaction is to shake her mother’s hand off, before shaking her head, “Didn’t.”

Him again?”, her father tilts his head and watches how she takes just a small portion, “You need to get over him. It’s your own fault for being silent and not telling him you liked him, after all that boy definitely had a crush on you.”

He didn’t -”, she mumbles quietly, getting interrupted by her mother. “He did. Even a blind person could see that”, the older woman tells the girl, “You just shouldn’t have acted like you didn’t like him back.”

This time she doesn’t even talk back, just silently plays around with her portion. Suddenly she doesn’t even want to eat this now.

Time goes buy fast and so did the two years which passed by now.

She is seventeen, hasn’t been in contact with him for quite a while and his name hasn’t crossed her thoughts in a while.

She is quite grown now, has a healthy weight and a self esteem just as healthy. She has grown up to a pretty young woman and she knows that very well.

By now she still is not in a relationship, she has had some dates and some flirts, but never found a person she truly started liking enough to start something. But that doesn’t matter. Even though she sometimes wishes, she would finally be able to find the one, like most of her friends already did, she is happy.

It is Saturday, she is sat on the couch and has a book on her lap, reading in peace.

Only when her mother comes inside and ruffles the younger female’s hair, she lifts her head with a grin. “Yes mom, hey to you, too. Are you up to something?”

The older nods, a small smile on her face as well whilst she takes something out of her bag. “I just found this and I thought you might be happy to see these”, she says, showing her daughter the pictures she printed out.

It’s pictures of the girl’s first love and her.

The expression on her face slowly crumbles down, as the girl takes the pictures and looks at them, quietly asking, “Where did you get them from?”

From my computer”, the woman chirps, “They were saved there, since you sent these to me a few years ago.”

Thanks”, is all the young female replies with a surprisingly content smile.

Ah”, again the older one ruffles her hair, “It’s no big deal. I’m going shopping, do you need anything?”

Silently the other shakes her head, but when her mother turns around to leave, she speaks up, “Mom?”

Again her mother turns around and looks at her daughter, giving her a curious look.

I wasn’t silent. I told him that I loved him, but he rejected me.”

Her expression still is calm as ever, a small, joyless smile formed by her lips, despite her chest aching again.

The short nod she is given doesn’t help her sinking mood, but she just watches how her mother turns back around and leaves once she took her purse.

Watches in silence and thinks.

Suddenly she thinks she knows, why she never managed to fall in love with anybody else.

Still silent she takes her phone, unlocking it and going on Instagram, searching for his page.

She looks at the picture he posted two years ago, looking at it and the caption.

First her shoulders start shaking, then the tears start rolling and she begins to cry. Silent.

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